Gored with Chopstick

Here's the transcript of show 22.

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The chopstick falling into my engine was almost dehabilitating in the way it frustrated me. It clinked off some metal things and came to rest just out of sight.

This should have been the first of many clues (or the last of many based on the 25 years that I’ve tried to do things as simple as change my oil and insert an air filter) that I should let trained people work on my car.

The reason I had the chopstick in my hand while leaning in the engine compartment was because the air conditioner had starting pouring water onto my feet while I drove.

This cold water was making my car smell like a paper mill and the moisture on the bottom of shoes had created a nice case of athlete’s foot.

Now, staring into the engine, I realized with ultimate clarity that I had to throw away my car. You might think that’s a bit extreme but I had no fear that only bad things were ahead.

For instance, in a classic Things to Worry About moment, I envisioned the chopstick jiggling loose during my commute and stabbing through my tire (or worse, my brake line). THEN I’d be either flung over the cliff at the side of the highway or I’d slam full-bore into the back of an armored car.

Continuing this train of thought, the accident with the armored car wouldn’t kill me, but the angered guards inside would roll out of the truck with weapons drawn and sink 38 lbs of lead into my befuddled visage.

And this was all happening because of Al Gore.

That’s right. If Al Gore didn’t invent the Internet or pull back the curtain and show us Global Warming, none of this could have happened. None of it.

Without the advent of Global Warming, the Scion I purchased wouldn’t have existed because we’d all still be driving large, fun cars.

Mustangs and Hummers and FJ Cruisers would be all over the road. Well, all over the road in even more insane numbers. And driving the highways of America would be the activity god intended…a place to show off and score chicks.

Actually, the ozone issue and global warming are likely a myth. If they were real, then I wouldn’t have been able to keep my car air conditioner OFF as much as I did. Which likely caused the drainage tube to clog and the water to pool in my dashboard and subsequently pour onto me feet.

And because I wouldn’t have had to unclog this drainage tube, I would not have dropped the chopstick into my engine. If you’re still with me, you’ll now understand why this can all be blamed on fat Al.

If there were no Al Gore there wouldn’t be an Internet. And then how would I tell you this tale of woe? I’d likely just be ranting to people on a street corner in Kitchener Ontario where they accept people who are different.

But I’m here in my hot house, reading into the Internet, creating a podcast all because of Al.

Al Gore, I implore you. Either jump into the race so I can feel good about making fun of you without trying to tie you to real events that only have a fleeting connection to your activities.

Or move to Alaska and drape your fat carcass over some of the receding glaciers to protect them from the sun.

More to come...